Philip Spiess
Gene Stern asks for a history of the "Grand Moose." Okay, here goes!
"Grand Moose is a small town located on the Bugshyster River in upper Minnesota. Considered by many to be the world capital of ". . . . Wait a minute! That's not right! Google must be guzzling something. Let's try again!
"The Grand Moose is a fraternal order in northern Maine, consisting of nothing but lodges -- wooden, of course -- scattered amongst the murmuring pines and the hemlocks, as well as the muttering outhouses. Membership is confined to twenty old men, preferably whittlers (no, not whistlers, you twit!), who carve the lodges through years of whittling (hence the "old men" part). . . ." No! No! That's not it, either! Where's an almanac when you need one?
Here we go. Looking into the Annals of Ancient Maine and Tales of the Maine Woods (Ogunquit, 1888), we find: "Grand Moose: A traditional mythical beast often said to be spotted (some of them are merely moth-eaten, with no spots at all) in the far reaches of the Maine woods [note: this is in the Maine woods, not the lesser, or scrub-pine, woods]. It is of enormous size -- those who have shot one with a small-bore cannon [not quite as boring as a large-bore cannon, but still a gun of high caliber] have tried to hang the stuffed head [not to be confused with a stuffy head] on their den walls, only to have the wall collapse from the weight and the ceiling fall in. (Do Not Attempt This On Your Own At Home!) This mythical animal lends its name and character to a fraternal order of men in northern Maine, who. . . ." Okay! Okay! We've been here before! Give it up! When all else has failed, we will look into --
The Spiess diary, entries real and imagined [Spiess was often in Cloud-Cuckoo-Land for much of the 9th grade], for the date of November 13, 1960. Ah, here we are! "A momentous event occurred today in Room 118, Walnut Hills High School, the homeroom of math teacher Mr. "Biff" [was this nickname a reference to his paddling?] Bailey and a series of dissolute 9th-grade boys. In a moment of inspiration (and not a moment too soon -- say, yesterday), David M. Schneider creates, from the back of his throat, a remarkable noise he calls the "Grand Moose." It is a sort of forced grunting, pushing the air from the back of the mouth forward, while suggesting that the contents of one's stomach have now entered the lungs and are likely to erupt with alarming force onto the floor forthwith. With gladsome minds, the gallant youths of Homeroom 118 take up the challenge, and soon their voices -- er, throats -- join the mighty chorus that inevitably swells forth and fills the room! [It would have been the pride of Nellie Custer Murphy -- or her death.] Needless to say, Teacher Bailey is not present in the room on this day; rather, the honor of this memorable event, inaugurated strictly at 8:25 a.m. by the stroke of the clock, is bestowed on one worthy of the gift, Substitute Teacher Mr. Fish, who takes it like a man, albeit like one who has been around for a long time dealing with hooligans. This "trick" of what we might loosely call "glossolalia" is undoubtedly to be repeated a fine number of times in the future, given its joyous welcome and "bell-like" sound [the ink of the diary is rather smudged here; I think "bull-like" sound is what is meant], though never when Mr. Bailey is present. (Nevertheless, it is sometimes erroneously known as "the Bailey Belch" by those not in the know.) After all, 'One who paddles does not deserve the honor' was the general consensus of the boys." Thus endeth the reading of this rather seedy diary entry.
BONUS SELECTION: RECIPE FOR "GRAND MOUSSE": (Serves 6-8)
Ingredients:
8 oz. semisweet Chocolate 1/4 cup fresh Orange Juice 4 Eggs (separated) 1/2 cup Sugar 2 Tbls. (to 3/4 oz.) Grand Marnier liqueur 1 cup Whipping Cream
Instructions:
In a small saucepan (or microwave), melt chocolate over low heat; add orange juice to the melted chocolate. With a mixer, beat the egg yolks, sugar, and liqueur until mixture has become lemon-colored. Then, beating on high, add the melted chocolate and orange juice. Now -- with clean beaters and bowl (or it won't beat right) -- beat the egg whites until they form soft peaks. Again, with clean beaters and bowl, whip the whipping cream, also until soft peaks appear. Gently fold the whipped cream into the chocolate mixture, then fold in the egg whites. Chill the entire mixture in the refrigerator for at least 2 hours. Serve in individual dessert cups or coupe glasses, garnished with drizzled chocolate sauce, chocolate curls or sprinkles, fresh whipping cream, and a sprig of fresh mint and/or a fresh raspberry.
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