Stephen (Steve) Dixon

And one from real life...During all the debate leading up to the recent Brexit vote, a sitting member of Parliament participated in a brief debate on BBC 4 radio with one of the measure's proponents.

In response to a statement that the UK would be better off on its own, the MP said:

"Britain is not an island... Well, yes it is but..."

Philip Spiess

Well, all right; one more bar joke and one more golf joke:

It's a darn frigid night in the Yukon, and everybody's freezing, so they're in the local bar warming up on whatever alcoholic mixture suits their fancy.  Suddenly the swinging doors slam open with a bang! -- and the meanest, toughest, darkest, hairiest-looking hombre in the whole Northern Territories strides into the bar.  A hush like you've never falls over the saloon.  The stranger looks up and down the bar, then slams his fist down on it and bellows, "When Black Bart drinks, everybody drinks!"  A great cheer goes up, and the several bartenders are setting 'em up and shooting them up and down the bar both left and right to all concerned, and everybody is in one fine fettle of merriment when -- the stranger slams his fist down again, and another silence ensues.  He looks around with a dark scowl, and then yells, "And when Black Bart pays, everybody pays!!"

A callow young chappie is out on the links, playing a round.  He slices one badly, and it curves off and disappears into the adjoining woods.  Luckily, he finds the ball and is about to take a swing at it to try to get it back on the green, when -- POOF! -- Mother Nature appears!  "Ah, ah, ah!" she says to him, pointing; "You are standing in my buttercups -- and I don't allow anyone to stand in my buttercups!   I'm. Going. To. Make. Sure. You. Don't. Get. Any. More. Butter. In. Your. Entire. Life!!"  "Oh, thank god!" says the guy; "I was damn near standing in the pussywillows!"

Larry Klein

Thanks Phil.  As with your highly educational remarks on opera, museums, our high school experience, and yes, even politics (shudder), your contributions to the comedic side of the class are absolutely historical!  And the "Mother Nature" incidence must explain my 70 years of bachelorhood.  I've stood in just about everything you can imagine on the links in my six decades of golfing.

Dale Gieringer

  A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a plate of bamboo.  The waiter serves him, he puts on a napkin, savors the dish, politely consumes it with knife and fork, then stands up, takes out a gun,  fires a shot and walks out the door.
 "What was that all about?" asks the waiter.  
"That was a panda ," says a customer, "Don't you know what the dictionary says about them?
'A panda is a black-and-white bearlike mammal that eats shoots and leaves.'"

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Just ran onto this one yesterday and I couldn't resist adapting it and offering it up for your consideration.

Philip Spiess

Oh, wow!

[And speaking of dentists, I may have stated earlier on this Forum that once, while working on a consultancy with the National Museum of Dentistry in Baltimore, I curated one of George Washington's six sets of false teeth (no, they were not wood; none of them were -- such would get soggy and splinter; these were hippopotamus ivory).  However, as usual, I did not endear myself to them when I said, "I didn't know Washington had an upper plate till it came out in conversation one time!"  (Also, every time someone brought up anesthesia, I'd mutter, "Ah!  The last of the Romanovs!")]

Dale Siemer

I have really been enjoying these brilliant jokes. With the mention of dentists, I feel compelled to chime in.

A man walked into a dental office and complained of a terrible toothache. The dentist took an xray and told the man that, unfortunately, the tooth was too far gone and needed to be removed. 

The man sadi he wasn't surprised and asked the dentist to take it out.

The dentist turned away and then back again with a syringe in his hand. The man saw it and said that he couldn't take novocaine because of his extreme allergy to it.

So the dentist put the syringe down and picked up the nitrous oxide mask. The man said he couldn't take that either because it made him crazy.

So the dentist left the room and returned shortly and held out his hand and a glass of water. In his hand was a blue diamond shaped tablet. The man asked what it was. The dentist replied Viagra. The man asked what it was for. 

The dentist said "when I take this tooth out, you're going to need something to hang onto".

I told that one to a Pfizer rep who had never heard it.

Bonnie Altman (Templeton)

Very funny jokes. I especially liked the one that ended "Whar did you teach$

Dale Gieringer

   Phil -   
      Re George Washington's teeth:  hippopotamuses don't make ivory;  rhinocersoses do.

      Hippo yonder 
      Fat and free
      Behemoth enormous
      Go away or else to me
      You'll be hyperpotamus. -   Gleam 1963

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Siemer! That is a keeper.

And Spiess never lets you down. I have to admit, I would have chuckled at the Romanov line every time.

Stephen Collett

The earl of Sedgewick was preparing for his regular hot bath at the manor with the help of his man Waddle. When the earl was settled in the tub Waddle left the bathroom but returned shortly with a hot water bottle.

“Why, Waddle,” whined the earl, “ what are you doing with that?”

“Why, milord” replied Waddle, “I thought I distinctly heard you say: “whaddaboudawaddeboddelwaddle”.  

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Sometimes real life can yield the most bitingly funny quips. Below is culled from an article about actual radio conversations between aircraft and ground controllers. I love this one:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate-parking location, but also how to get there without any assistance from them.

So, it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British 747 with the call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: 'Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

(The BA 747 pulled onto the main terminal runway and slowed to a stop.)

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground. I'm looking up our gate location, now.”

Ground (displaying quite a bit of impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206: “Once. But that was in 1944. It was dark and I didn’t land.”

Philip Spiess

Dale:  I stand corrected.  I was merely repeating from the 1960s report of the scientist who analyzed the material of every one of the six sets of Washington's false teeth (scattered in various collections).  He may not even have said "ivory" (his report is buried in my consultancy files somewhere); he may have said "tooth" or "tusk" or "bone" -- but he was adamant that the particular set of false teeth I was curating was made from "hippopotamus" material.  A number of other sets were, if I recall, made from walrus tusks.  (Paul Revere, as you may know, made several sets of Washington's false teeth, but not the one I was working on; it was made by Dr. John Greenwood.)  What never occurred to me until just now, when you made your statement, was:  "Where did any American get hippopotamus 'stuff' from in the mid to late 1700s -- and how?"

Okay, Collett, you remind me of the story of Lord Droolingtoole, an elderly and doddering member of the House of Lords, who, after an autumn afternoon of bagging small game, driven toward him by servants in the home park of his Midlands estate, has settled down to relax and refresh in a seriously large cast iron lynx-footed bathtub of hot water in the private rooms of his ancestral mansion.  His man (valet), Smithers, waits upon him.  The warm water has its expected effect, to relax him, and an unexpected effect, to bring into a sudden state of tumescence his membrum virile (I'm trying to be subtle here, because I'm a scholar of the Old School -- oh, wait; Walnut Hills is our old school!).  The valet, noticing this, tactfully and discreetly inquires, "Shall I call milady, m'lord?"  And Lord Droolingtoole, scowling, responds, "No, Smithers; bring me my baggy tweeds.  I think I'll smuggle this one up to London!"

Nelson Abanto

At this decisive moment in our nation's political history, I feel a couple of quotes from the political sage, Will Rodgers, are in order:

1)  When asked if he was a member of an organized political party, he replied "No. I'm a democrat."

2)  " If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"

3)  "There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

Jerry Ochs

I don't intend to stem or stop the flow of jokes, but seeing as how we are such a learned bunch, I thought I'd toss this alleged rule of English into the pool to see if it floats.

Philip Spiess

It seems to work, but that is a situation up with which I will not put!

And Nelson, don't forget that Will Rogers also said, "We have the best politicians money can buy!"

Jerry Ochs

My older brother keeps pestering me to sign one of those organ donor cards.

He's a man after my own heart.

Ed Seykota

I was wondering how come the football kept getting larger and larger.

And then it hit me.

Philip Spiess

On the other hand, she wore a glove.

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

This is getting good.

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Give me a metaphor for climbing the highest mountain.

Ed Seykota

A thief stole half a calendar.

He got six months.

Larry Klein

Stephen - to me, climbing the highest mountain is like walking your beautiful daughter down the aisle, neither of which have I ever or will experience.

Philip Spiess

Stephen:  Would that be a peak experience?

And Ed, speaking of calendars:  When in college, go out with a history major.  It'll be a date to remember.

Jerry Ochs

My wife complained that I always speak in a monotone.

I flatly denied it.