Dale Gieringer

  An Irishman, a Frenchman, a German, a Scotsman, a rabbi, a priest, a minister, a lawyer, a doctor, a politician, an elephant, a horse, a duck, a midget, and two lesbians walk into a bar.  So the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"  

Bonnie Altman (Templeton)

Very funny, Steve, very funny😄

Philip Spiess

Good one, Steve!  I'd not heard that before.  Obviously a case of putting Descartes before de hearse.

So -- a termite walks into a bar and inquires, "Is the bar tender here?"

And -- a rope walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender, and orders a beer.  "Sorry," says the bartender, "but we don't serve ropes here."  "Oh," says the rope, and walks out.  He turns down a nearby alley, pauses, and unravels the top of his head, which he then ties up again to keep it from unraveling further.  He then walks back into the bar and again orders a beer.  "I thought I told you we don't serve ropes here," says the bartender, somewhat irritably.  "But I'm not a rope," says the rope coyly.  "Oh?" says the bartender, rather skeptically; "You're not a rope?"  And the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"    

Steven Levinson

These are all really funny!

Richard Winter (Winter)

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Nelson Abanto

Does anybody remember the all time great Limerick World Championship of 1955?

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

What an excellent little skirmish has broken out! Some great stuff to put a chuckle in your day. Here is another that sometimes gets me in trouble but most people like:

It's 1980 and Jesus comes back to Earth. He appears incognito with the intention of looking around and observing modern life for a time. As it happens, he materializes near a New York disco and, hearing the throb of the music, wanders inside.

After watching the crowd for a few minutes he decides that he will be less conspicuous if he joins the multitude on the dance floor.

Try as he might, he just can't feel the beat or get any kind of fluidity of motion. Finally, in total frustration he cries out:

"Help me! I've risen and I can't get down."

Philip Spiess

Richard -- Let me guess:  And the neutron, hearing what the bartender said, responds in disbelief, "Are you positive?"

Stephen:  That last joke's risible.

Nelson:  As to limericks, W. S. Gilbert of Gilbert & Sullivan fame couldn't stand them.  Finally, after hearing one too many, in exasperation he wrote the following:

"There was an old man of St. Bees

Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.

When asked, 'Does it hurt?'

He said, 'No, it doesn't;

I'm just glad it wasn't a hornet!'"

Dale Gieringer

Then there's this parody of WS Gilbert's parody:

There once was an old man from Limerick

Who used to waste time reading limericks

When asked about this one

He replied, "It's no good.

I'm just glad it isn't a limerick."

In the 11th grade, I embarked on translating the Aeneid into limericks.  I got through three stanzas.

I. Arms and a man I declaim

Who first to Lavinia came

To reach Turnus' land,

Hesperian strand,

Why the hell did he gain so much fame?

II. Tell me, o Muse, in my song

Of a man who could do little wrong

To write all this verse

In a style none to terse

And make it infernally long.

III.  Aeneas, in heading to Rome

Came to Carthage, then Dido's new home

But Juno said, Vamoose!

I'd take Carthage to Samos

You Trojans go elsewhere to roam!

I leave it to other attendees of Miss Hope's Latin class to fill in the rest...

Philip Spiess

I'll keep no vigil for Virgil.  But I will add the Victorian poet, a poet considered scandalous -- though brilliant --even in, or especially in, his own day (cf. "Dolores:  Notre-Dame des Sept Douleurs," 1866), Algernon Charles Swinburne's effort at a limerick, when challenged to make one on the Welsh town of Aberystwyth:

"A young maid in old Aberystwyth

Took grain to the mill to make grist with.

But the miller's son Jack

Laid her flat on her back,

And united the organs they pissed with."

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Ah, those feisty Victorians.

Philip Spiess

Okay, folks, what's really impressed me about these recent exchanges is not so much the wit (though that's been fine), but the intellectual level of these jokes.  Foreign language puns?  Physics jokes?  Unbridled philosophy?  These are Walnut Hills High School student jokes (and I don't mean to seem elitist)!  Our traditional rival among the top ten high schools in the country (at least in the 1960s) was the Boston Latin School, and so I dedicate this "elitist" joke to them:

A businessman from New York is due to have an important meeting in Boston, and so he schedules a flight to Boston for a given afternoon.  He has never been to Boston before, so he queries his colleagues about it.  "Oh!" they all agree, "If you've never been to Boston, you've got to dine on Boston Scrod at least once; it's one of the city's great seafood dishes!"  Okay, so he flies into Logan Airport about 5:00 in the afternoon and hires a taxi from the airport to get him into the city.  Since he has a hotel reservation and is actually hungry, he decides to go right to dinner.  He asks the taxi driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod in Boston?"  And the taxi driver, turning around and staring him in the face, says, "Fella, I've heard that question asked many different ways over the years, but that's the first time I've ever heard it asked in the pluperfect subjunctive!"

Laura Reid (Pease)

that's hysterical Phil!  Only Walnut Hills.......

Bruce Fette

:))

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Pluperfect subjunctive! I love a good 'intelligent cabdriver' joke.

Here's one that's not on quite the same level. Still, it deals with textual exegesis and is a lo-o-ng way from my all-time favorite joke, which I will save for another time.

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to ask him about this.

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The Abbot says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." 

So, the old Abbot goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. Finally, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old man leaning over one of the original books crying. 

He asks, "What's wrong?" 

"The word is 'Celebrate.' Celebrate!'" says the old Abbot.

Ed Seykota

Erudite contributor, Spiess
Rolls pluperfect subjunctive like dice.
The tense fit smells odd
For apocryphical "scrod."
If only he'd thunk, he'd thunk twice.

Larry Klein

With all the limericking and bar-joking going around, it only seems fair that your local golf coach should post a joke about.....GOLF!!  Please forgive me for any non-PC musing.

Most golfers know that only God and Jack Nicklaus (and ME) can hit a 1-iron with any authority.  What most DON'T know is that Jesus was/is also a golfer.  One fine day Jesus was out on the links with his trusted caddy, Moses, and having the round of his life.  They came upon the 16th hole, a majestic 170 yard par 3 with a pond from tee to green.  Moses started to hand Jesus a 5 iron, but Jesus inquired "What would Jack Nicklaus hit here".  "Probably a 7 iron" was Moses reply.  "Hand me the 7 iron then".  Moses reluctantly obliged, and Jesus hit a perfect shot straight as could be at the pin, but 15 yards short of the green and into the water.  "Go get my ball, Moses, I'm going to hit another" spake Jesus.  Moses parted the water and walked out between the water walls, picked up Jesus ball and returned to the tee.  "Now give me the 7 iron again.  If Jack Nicklaus can do it, surely I can do it" from Jesus.  Another perfect shot, but alas five yards short of paradise and into the water again.  "I'm not walking out there again" offered Moses, whereupon Jesus began walking out on the water to retrieve his ball.  Meantime, the group following had putted out and was approaching the tee where Moses was waiting.  Upon seeing Jesus walking out on the water, they inquired "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"  Moses sternly responded "No, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus!"

Michael Hunting

That must be Phil's Hanover background.....right Laura!

Philip Spiess

A riposte, my dear Ed Seykota:

Of jokes, I've no doubt reached my quota;

But the scrod (just young cod)

Is a fish food from God --

So to jest on it jest is verbota!

Laura Reid (Pease)

Mike, you are right about that.....pluperfect subjunctive ......we did a lot of that at Hanover!

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

We need a "like" button. Spiess, you are a very creative guy.
 

Philip Spiess

Stephen:  All I can say is that I've much admired your entries on this Forum as well!  And I will swear that all my "creativity" was formulated (or stimulated?) in my WHHS years by my fellow students (particularly Jeffrey Rosen, Johnny Marks, and Dale Gieringer).

And Larry:  Don't get me started on golf jokes!  I'll just share one here (well, maybe two):  A chap and his friend are out golfing on a bright Sunday morning.  As they approach the seventh green, which runs adjacent to a highway, a funeral procession approaches.  The one chap, who is about to tee off, stops mid-swing, removes his hat, and holds it over his heart until the funeral procession passes out of sight.  "Charlie," says his friend; "That was a noble gesture!  I had no idea you were that sentimental!"  Charlie returns his hat to his head, takes his swing, and then says, "She was a good wife for forty years. . . ."

Another:  A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi (you get the picture) are out on the links playing golf in an ecumenical gesture.  As they play, they begin to notice that the group in front of them is playing at a very slow pace.  When the club's golf pro swings around by them in his golf cart, the minister says to him, "What goes on here?  Why is that group in front of us so slow?"  "Well," says the pro, "it's a group of blind golfers."  "Oh, my god," says the minister, "what an opportunity for some social charity!  Our church should organize a blind golfers' team!"  The golf game continues apace, very slowly, because of the group ahead.  When the golf pro next comes around, the Catholic priest takes him aside and asks, "What is with that group ahead of us?  Can't you speed them up?"  The pro again replies, "It's a group of blind golfers."  "Christ be praised!" says the priest; "How inspirational!  I must talk to the bishop about forming a Blind Golfers' League in the Diocese!"  And the golf game continues, still slowed by the golfers ahead.  When the golf pro comes around one more time, the rabbi takes him aside and asks, "So vat the hell ist going on already?  Vy ist the group ahead of us so slow?"  Once again the pro explains that it is a group of blind golfers, and the rabbi asks, "Blind, eh?  So vy don't they play at night?"

Peace all.

Stephen Collett

Dear Stephen D. Please keep coming with the second tier stories while we wait patiently and expectant of the first rank. I mowed the lawn yesterday -about an hour´s job front and back- laughing all the way about the poor abbot checking in his archives.

Richard Winter (Winter)

Ok, so here's one of my golf jokes.   

Joe, playing a round with his wife, hits a wild drive that flies out of the course and lands in a barnyard.  Worse, where the ball comes to rest, there is a gigantic barn directly in the path to the green.  While Joe is puzzling over what to do, his wife says, "If I open these big doors at both ends of the barn, you can hit through to the green."   

Joe says ok, his wife opens both sets of doors and Joe takes his shot.   Unfortunately, the wife was standing right at the edge of the far barn doors.  Joe's shot hits her in the head and she dies.

A few months later, Joe is out playing the course with a new partner when he hits the same wild drive, with the ball landing in the same spot.   While Joe puzzles over how to play his shot, the new partner says, "Hey, what if I opened both these sets of barn doors?"   

Joe replies, "Not worth it.  I tried that last time and ended up with a 7."

Stephen (Steve) Dixon

Collett, this is barely second-tier, but I have very low personal threshold. Sticking with the bar joke theme: